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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24353806">I'm sorry, I didn't mean to</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_in_SIN/pseuds/Writing_in_SIN'>Writing_in_SIN</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [26]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kamen Rider - All Media Types, Kamen Rider Ex-Aid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aquaphobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Houjou Emu Needs A Hug, M/M, Panic Attacks, Parad Needs a Hug, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Soul Bond</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:06:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24353806</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_in_SIN/pseuds/Writing_in_SIN</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Thinking back, Emu should've known that just because he had good intentions when he used Muteki against Parad, doesn't mean there won't be consequences.</p><p>Such a painful reminder for a normal day.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Houjou Emu &amp; Parad (Kamen Rider Ex-Aid), Houjou Emu/Parad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [26]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm sorry, I didn't mean to</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If you like, come scream at me on <a href="https://writing-in-sin.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/Writing_in_SIN">Twitter</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."</strong>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>Thinking back, Emu should've known that just because he had good intentions when he used Muteki against Parad, doesn't mean there won't be consequences.</p><p>Such a painful reminder for a normal day.</p><p>Emu was simply on his break and just joking around with Parad in the hospital courtyard. They were playing a game of tag; laughing and feeling like kids again when he accidentally tripped and collided against Parad, causing the bugster to fall into the fountain.</p><p>"I'm sorry!" Laughing, he grips the lip of the fountain and leans over, offering his hand. "I didn't mean to."</p><p>When his friend doesn't grab his hand, Emu frowns in concern.</p><p>"Parad? Are you—"</p><p>A wave of cold terror washes over the bond he shares with Parad, and Emu breaks off with a gasp— doesn't even think twice as he vaults over the fountain.</p><p>"Parad!"</p><p>Wading through the water, he shakes his head to clear away the droplets from the overhead spray and feels his breath stutters out of him when he gets a clear view of his best friend.</p><p>
  <em>Can't breathe. Drowning. Don't wanna die. Hurts. Dark. Pain. Can't breathe. <strong>Drowning.</strong></em>
</p><p>Parad is white as a sheet with his eyes wide and glassy, looking like he's barely even breathing.</p><p>Stumbling to his knees, he cups Parad's face in his hands and realises the minute trembling underneath his fingers. Pressing their foreheads together, Emu can hear snippets of Parad's mounting panic within the bond before it splits into white noise.</p><p><strong> <em>CaN't BrEaThE. cA</em> </strong> <strong> <em>n'T bReaThe. </em> </strong> <strong> <em>CAn'T bReAtHe.</em> </strong></p><p>Vision bleeding, Emu reaches into the antibody woven into his DNA and—</p><p>
  <em> <strong>HELP!</strong> </em>
</p><p>— <em>pulls.</em></p><p>The world tilts and shifts, colours mixing and whirling before everything rights itself back as he and Parad tumble onto the floor of their genkan. He sees Parad trying to scramble away but falls heavily to his hands and knees as if he's exhausted and Emu feels his heart breaking when Parad tries to make himself small as he curls into a ball; soaked to the bone and gasping for air.</p><p>Emu crawls over to his bugster, trying his best to ignore the images flashing across his mind—</p><p>(Cronus. Muteki. <em>Himself</em> as he drops Parad right into the cold, dark waters. Gamedeus. Death. Limbo. Alone and forgotten in the everlasting darkness; left to drown).</p><p>— focuses on the here and now as he gathers Parad in his arms.</p><p>
  <em>I did this.</em>
</p><p>Pale, clammy, shivering, Parad takes a moment to process that Emu is holding him before the bugster clutches Emu's arms as he clings on, his face screwing up with pain and fear.</p><p>"E-Emu—!"</p><p>Parad breaks off, unable to continue, curling into Emu and not looking up as his body shakes with sobs and Emu—frightened by the revelation of what his radical gamble had done, feels sickening dread and shame weighing his body down.</p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry.</em>
</p><p>The bugster is trembling at a frightening rate and absolutely colourless; clearly going into shock. Emu takes a breath and presses his mouth into a thin line. Adjusting his hold around Parad, he braces himself and lifts his friend up into his arms; cradling him close. Technically with Parad's height, the bugster should be heavier than Emu but in his panic, it seems like half of Parad's body is intangible as if he's in the process of merging them but doesn't have the energy or in the right state of mind to do so at the moment.</p><p>
  <em>I didn't mean to.</em>
</p><p>Using one hand to grab the towels from the rack outside of the bathroom, Emu marches inside and eases carefully into the empty bathtub; grip firm and murmuring soft platitudes against Parad's temple as the bugster clings on. Ignoring the water dripping off them, Emu unfolds the towels to drape and wrap them around Parad with trembling hands until his best friend is safely cocooned in them.</p><p>Parad stirs, lifting his head slightly, but his partner doesn't look at him; breaths coming in shuddering gulps as fatigue saps his ability to maintain such a high pitch of emotion. For a very long while, nothing is said.</p><p>Parad is scared of the water and it's all Emu's fault.</p><p>Pressing a kiss against damp curls, Emu pulls back slightly to gaze down at the bugster in his arms, able to sense his misery and exhaustion within the bond. Gently keeping the blanket wrapped around him, Emu sits Parad up and cups his face in both hands. The doctor in him needs to see Parad's eyes and although he knows it's not likely since Bugsters don't get hurt easily, Emu is still relieved to find that there's no signs of injury or concussion from the fall.</p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.</em>
</p><p>Satisfied, he takes a deep breath and regardless how clumsy he still is when it comes to the bond, pours every bit of warmth he can to it. Emu tries to chase away the cold and the fear, replacing them with all the care and adoration and the comfort to this person who is his Heart; hoping that what he's doing is enough.</p><p>Parad shudders in his arms, but slowly he unwinds from the ball he's trying to turn himself into as he lets out a relieved sigh.</p><p>"You're safe," Emu murmurs against wet bangs, tightening his hold. "You're home. Anything you need; help or to talk or just to be left alone— I'll do it. I promise, Parad."</p><p>Parad snuffles into his neck as he curls closer. "...Stay? Please s-stay, Emu."</p><p>"For as long as you want me," he reassures, eyes screwing shut as tears stream down his face.</p><p>
  <em>I'm so sorry, Parad. I didn't mean for this to happen.</em>
</p><p>"Not your fault, Emu," Parad rasps out, hand grasping his shirt. "W-water...was afraid when C-cronus went after me."</p><p>"But I made it worst," Emu counters furiously, and the fact that Parad falls silent is damning. "When I struck you down as Muteki..."</p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.</em>
</p><p>"No," Parad says in a voice that will permit no argument, sitting up. Despite how pale he is, Parad's gaze is steady and firm. "Considering how cruel I was, what you did finally stopped me."</p><p>Emu narrows his eyes, tears blurring his vision. "It wasn't right."</p><p>"No," Parad agrees with a mournful twist of his mouth. "But it was necessary."</p><p>They glare at each other, neither one of them relenting. They must make quite the sight though; wet as a pair of drown cats and glaring at each other like they're fighting over the last fish between them— and if it were any other time, Emu would've find the situation hilarious. But he's not laughing.</p><p>Neither of them are.</p><p>Snugged in towels and in his arms, somehow Parad seems smaller and younger than he really is. Despite his face is still terribly pale and strained, his friend is as stubborn as ever.</p><p>"We could argue about this until the cows come," Parad mutters petulantly and it's such a Parad thing to say that it makes Emu slump forward to hug the incorrigible gremlin.</p><p>"We could," Emu agrees with a huff, feeling Parad winding his arms around his middle. "But not today."</p><p>Parad nods against his head.</p><p>"...what do you need?" Emu asks, cupping Parad's face and gently wiping away the tears from red rimmed eyes.</p><p>Face crumpling, Parad sniffs as he ducks his head. "You. Just you. Here with me...please."</p><p>Such a paradox the two of them are. For all the hurt they've caused each other, they're also the ones who can take those same hurts away.</p><p>
  <em>We're a bit of a tragedy, aren't we?</em>
</p><p>"I'm here," Emu promises. "Let's warm up first though, yeah? I'll make you some hot chocolate."</p><p>That brings a faint smile out of Parad. "With whipped cream and cinnamon?"</p><p>"Duh," Emu quips with a weak chuckle.</p><p>Parad leans into his hands, smile widening just the slightest bit. "And then cuddles?"</p><p>"Lots and lots," Emu reassures with a nod.</p><p>
  <em>Not always.</em>
</p><p>So after they shed their wet clothes, he takes Parad by the hand and leads them to the bedroom to change into warm, comfortable and most importantly, <em>dry</em> clothes. Once that's done, they shuffle into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate as promised.</p><p>And through it all, Emu makes sure that he sticks close to Parad.</p><p>
  <em>Not anymore.</em>
</p><p>Emu hands over the blue and red mug to Parad, who takes it with a grateful smile before his expression falters.</p><p>"What about work?"</p><p>Taking a careful sip, Emu reaches over to intertwine their fingers as they make their way to the living room.</p><p>"I've already told the hospital I'm taking a half-day," Emu says, gently pushing Parad onto the couch before joining him. "I don't want to leave you alone right now."</p><p>Parad follows without fuss, clutching the mug in his hands and takes a large gulp before he turns to look at him, whipped cream on his upper lip and nose. "We can just fuse and I'll just sleep inside our mindscape. You don't need to miss work because of me."</p><p>There's a soft ache in his heart as he stares at the bugster in front of him; all tousled curls and dressed in sweatpants, soft thumbhole sweater with fuzzy socks while clutching a mug to keep himself warm. Right now, Parad looks soft and vulnerable in a way he's never seen before. It makes Emu want to have just the two of them hide away from the world for awhile.</p><p>It makes him want to reach over and kiss the one who is his heart, soul, and home because sometimes, things are too much and not enough—</p><p>No. He doesn't have the right.</p><p>"It's for my own peace of mind too," Emu whispers, swallowing the lump in his throat and wipes away the sweet mess on the bugster's face with a thumb before licking it off. "Now, c'mere. You were promised cuddles, remember?"</p><p>Finishing his drink with the sort of ease that only those who knows they won't suffer a burnt tongue, Parad then crawls over to him with a bashful smile as he singsongs with subdued cheer. "Lots and lots~!"</p><p>He barely manages to put his mug down on the low table before an armful of warm, pliant bugster flops onto him, and Emu can't help but chuckle softly as he curls into Parad, tangling their legs together and pulling the blanket he brought over for this very reason to cover them both. Pressing a kiss to Parad's forehead, he cups his partner's face and wraps the bond around them both so that Parad knows that he's safe no matter what.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he whispers, brushing his thumbs against Parad's cheekbones as the bond twinges with his remorse for the phobia he unknowingly caused. Emu knows an apology is not enough but he has to at least try and start somewhere. "I didn't mean to hurt you this way. In <em>any</em> way."</p><p>Emu honestly thought he was helping when he chose Muteki to teach Parad a lesson. But...he supposed that this is the consequences of those who chose to be cruel, to be kind.</p><p>Two wrongs don't make things right.</p><p>Parad leans into his touch, a tinge of sadness in his smile. "I know, Emu. I've forgiven you just as you've forgiven me for all the hurt and pain I caused you."</p><p>"Parad..."</p><p>"We don't have to be a tragedy anymore, Emu," Parad murmurs, kissing his cheek before resting his head on Emu's heart; where he always belongs.</p><p>Carding a hand through Parad's hair, his other arm wraps around the bugster. "No, we certainly don't."</p><p>It'll take time, and a great deal of effort and patience. Because despite the fact that they've been forgiven, this isn't something that can be healed overnight. No doubt that this won't be the last time they'll have to be reminded of their messy, painful history together. However...</p><p>One step at a time. Let's take one step at a time together.</p><p>There's a thorny road ahead of them and they might even need professional help for the pain they've caused to each other. Nonetheless, Emu thinks that as long as they try to do their best to move forward <em>together</em> instead of apart, they'll find a way to be alright eventually.</p><p>So as he follows Parad into slumber, Emu dreams of the day where he and Parad can turn their complicated past into an unbreakable armour instead of the debilitating shackles it still is, and to finally be truly invincible together.</p>
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